Emotional Wreck

gosh am so bladi tired, even now also i m writin half zombie like, haven slept peacefulli in ages, and if i were to get sleep its onli for a meagre few hours..this week started out badli and its headin towrads a shitty end too....my eyes have alrdi beaten panda, its foreva bloodshot, i m makin mistakes adn bad calls of judgement coz simpli i cant think well, i m simly exhausted,

Mum has been admitted since tuesday and her condition hasnt got ani better...she'll get better for a while and when we get a bit optimistic it deteoriates again..been in the hospital more than i have been home nowadays, the staff there know me so well alrdi, she realli feels better when i m arnd and guess its coz of tat i am willin to sacrifice my sleep for her...shes neva been this weak and times likes these wher i feel my mum is gettin old, she always have been this strong pillar withstandin pressure, pain and illness she looks like a shadow of the past now when i look at her now...mani people whu came to visit told me the exact same thing, i cant bear to see her like this seriousli, i maybe all i-m-so-invincible and stuff but i m all weak when i see her struggle to talk or cough profuseli...the feelin realli sux and despite havin mney, strength and wiillingness i feel so useless tat i cant do anythin....there are so mani times i have prayed tat the condition shes havin gets transferrred to me and ein young and stronger i wld be able to take it more...sighs hope this prayer and mani other prayers of her well being get answered.....

BTW i m just commentin here and by no means is this a diss of the whle system but the multiple visiits to the hospital when my granddad was there coupled with frens accounts make me realli feel tat NUH is sucha fucked up hospital...wheneva any1 asks me wich hospital shes in they immediateli ask me to transfer her immed..they also give various accounts of bad service and worst inexperienced doctors whu cant diagnose or clarify doubts of the patients, heres some of my experience...a nurse left my mums drip running without any liquid in it..icame in after camp and saw tat the drip was empty, it muz have gone empty in time and from the looks of it for quite some time, onli when i scsrewed the fuck of her did she change it, than when she changed the fluid pack she didnt turn it on, as in the drip has this switc to let it flow faster or slower or to stop....she jus left it off....the bloodi doctor had the cheek to tell me he doesnt knw wats goin on and tat he wld ask his professor? i was like wat the F and they have been sayin she is well enuff to leave for three days alrdi and the next day they dnt discahrge her, i am serousli losin my patience with this hospital....i understand he stressfulness of their job and sumtimes its beyond them but there is a limit to wat i can hold especialli when its sum1 special to me on the receivin end...

Coupled with my mum i also have my other special lady totalli happi to move on and not want to even call or msg...i stopped msgin u coz u were plagued wif problems of ya iown which u wanted time and space to solv but i seriousli expected u to call me back or at least say i wasnt a hassle, its so painful to knw she doesnt even boter that i dnt msg nor call animore, i cant stop tinkin of her, shes in my every thoughts and i have seriousli itched to msg her...i jus wish that things will get better and someday soon in the blust of moons she will msg or call even its jus to say gdntie or hi how are u...it will release laods of stress and pain off my back...

I miss the two ladies in my life.....to have not 1 with me alrdi is a blow but i m left wifout both...ones sick and not her usual self the other left me standin hurt...i aven slept, my heart aches and lifes jus a bit tad messy....sumbody save me...